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Canada Eh!

Oh Canada, how I wish that our political parties were more like yours.  Yea I know what you're thinking, who the hell cares about Canadian politics anyway?  Doesn't everyone in Canada care more about the outcome of elections in the United States anyway?  The answer to both of these questions is probably yes.  Let me preface this by saying that I am not and never have been a Canadian.  I am from the good old United States of America, I just happen to have some familial ties to Canada, and have done some research into Canadian politics and political parties.

Just like in the United States, Canada has a Conservative and a Liberal party.  Canada has third parties as well but for now we will just focus on these two.  The Conservative Party of Canada, currently in power under the leadership of Stephen Harper, is very different from the party of George W. Bush, Sarah Palin, and John McCain.  In regards to economics, they do share similar traits.  They are still fiscally conservative, they like privatization, small government, decentralized federalism, more military spending, and lower taxes.  They greatly differ from the Conservative Party of the United States when it comes to social issues though.  The Conservative Party of Canada is considered "center right" on social issues, they are in favor of same-sex civil unions, they are not vehemently opposed to government run health care or welfare programs, they favor the legalization of marijuana,  and best of all, there are no Bible thumping creationists to be found!  The Liberal Party of Canada on the other hand is very similar to the Democrats of the United States but with one major exception, they are not scared of the Conservatives.  The Liberal Party of Canada has a set of balls on them that are nowhere to be found in the Democrats.  They stick together and are able to get legislation passed with a simple majority.  This is exactly why same-sex marriage is legal, they have single payer health care, and they have tougher firearm laws.  Canada emphasizes a greater investment in research and higher education, and in my opinion, is why Canadians have a better quality of life than Americans.

I don’t want to give the wrong impression.  Canada does have its problems as well.  There are nut job political parties that can be found throughout Canada, even more so than in the United States.  There are the Bloc Québécois, the crazy Quebeckers whose only political platform involves Quebec seceding from Canada because they can’t tolerate Anglophones.  There is the Christian Heritage Party of Canada that advocates for Canada to be governed according to the Bible, taken as the literal word of God.  There is a Communist Party of Canada, whose name needs no explanation.  And there is also the Neorhino Party of Canada, this party is my favorite.  The Neorhino Party is an actual registered party in Canada, it promises to not keep any of its promises.  Included in the early platform of the party were its plans to replace soldiers’ rifles with paintball guns, have a national barbecue registry, guaranteed weekly orgasms, and the renaming of Canada to Nantucket! The good news is, with the exception of the Bloc Québécois, none of these third parties have ever had  a chance of actually winning a majority.

So go ahead America, keep making fun of Canadians for living in igloos, riding Polar Bears, drinking maple syrup, having hockey players and moose on their money, wearing tuques, and pronouncing the word “about” with “aboot.”  In the end, when the Creationist Christian Republican right and the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, and the tea baggers run America into the ground, our friendly neighbors to the north will be laughing all the way to peace, prosperity, and happiness.

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